Deep Fried Chicken Skin

bloodied. bruised. done.

2007-11-02T07:53:04Z

Halloween was full of horror.

I am so mangled and bruised and bloodied right now I don't recognize my own body.

I love him. I have a perferated eardrum and a cracked rib and i can't feel my pinky finger. I am strong. I hope i'm strong. I can't stay.

He was so kind and wonderful and funny and good. He is. How can he hurt me like this? How can I hurt myself? How could I ever think I could make it better after everything that's happened? i can't hurt myself anymore. I deserve better. I hope I deserve better.

panax @ 2007-02-25T07:47:00

2007-02-25T14:49:02Z

Wowina!
hummmmmmm...okidoki. Short story shorter, everything in the world is what's happening? QUESTION MARK, but not evenly.

I cracked last night. Like an egg. I felt myself split right open. Everything was getting better, so much better. And then, the inevitable, everything inevitably changed drastically.....horrorly....an a bomb a nation...bumbles don't bounce back this time.

I THINK Mark was having a nervous breakdown...hopefully he was. Tis no good when I'm hoping something occurred because of a nervous breakdown....no good a'tall.

Yeah.....................................weird..................too weird. That's some fucked up shit right there. There's something really wrong here. I've never felt myself lose it over something LIKE THAT before...it was almost impossible to stop myself. I cannot live in this shoe anymore. What do you do when you live in a shoe? There's holes in the soles where the rain comes through.

So that's pretty much it. I came here to a place where everything made sense, only to find a bizarre bazaar of hideousities...mainly about myself.

So I'm going to sneak out the back before somebody sees me. Aiyiyi...

all things being equal, some things are more equal than others.

2007-01-17T01:07:39Z

happy happy, where are you?
Been an odd past halfa year. Nutty things are always on the prowl for moi.
At the moment I'm pretty miserable, that miserable being not so pretty. I'm *hopeful* though. I don't kuh no what's gonna happen next. Ever. It's interesting but at the same time difficult to stay grounded.

Gabe went into the army. I doubt I'll see or hear from him for a long time. My heart, she breaks.

I see my absence has left a few people leaving. Whoops. That's what I get for being alone: lonely.

I'm going to Ontario for a breather. I'm holding my breath till then. Over tilling can leave your soil barren. Ai yai yai. I've updated from oy vey.

So yes.

My sadness can make way for happier happies. Maybe? Stay tooned, it's too animated to be unreal.

Come Live In Holes

2006-06-19T20:46:10Z

We live in ceiling holes all day long, under sheets of glass and barbed wire. We need grease for making babies. No grease allowed in our ceiling holes. No grease, no babies. We need new fires to heal our shattered masks. No new fires detectable in vicinity. Without new fires, our masks remain in limbo. Freaking out in our ceiling holes. We can no longer seal brain matter in our drinking flasks. We must now think with veils. Under a veil, thoughts are shrouded. We are allowed to cry in simulation for one minute a day. No, now reduced to half a minute a week. Maybe today exercise will be allowed in small wheels. Liking small wheels becomes good for health. Makes it so our names will not be included on death certificates. Exercise becomes difficult when it is impossible. Days are dark in holes, light at night. Can't find boxes in holes to put ugliness. Subscription discontinued for all freaking out. No more freaking out in ceiling holes. No more wet fall afternoons, freaking out in leaves blowing through ceiling holes. No more. Enshrouded in dust from leftover taxmen. Taxmen come, deliver taxes, leave dust. Sometimes deliver dust, leave taxes. Sometimes, not at all. Elbow room expands when you move about. Staying still makes holes smaller. Makes sleeping a nightmare. Makes dreaming a rarity. Makes rarities happy occasions. Freaking out has started again despite cancellations. Makes cancellees angry. We trade them vital organs for shirts. This appeases them. Nice to have shirts to wear. Even nicer if we had pants. Must not complain so much. These shirts are nice. No more needed. We get too spoiled in our holes. Pretty view up here in the holes. Great vantage point for looking at the blank white floor. Must not be afraid when the floor screams at us. Should thank the floor for screams. But screams seem agonizing. Must ignore that. Screams deserve respect. Sometimes, walls try telling jokes. Walls are funnier when silent. Silence is hilarious in dark holes. Never let food in holes. Food just overstimulates senses. Taste, touch, sight, smell, sound: senses too highly valued by people outside of holes. Holes bring perspective. Holes are powerful tools to prevent feeling too much. Trapping ourselves in holes brings us freedom. A freedom to be trapped in holes. Keys are left in holes. Keys open doors to other holes. Here is a key. Use it to open doors. Then come to live in holes. You will like living in holes.

written by a fellow named Mark. I am with love at this man and all his musings.

I'm happy again! My site is going up on the first of July, Canada day. And I'm moving to Dragon Canyon somewhere in the midst of July. I have my new computer, though it cost me 2000 clams. And everything is a o k in general.

I'm going to be more active from now on, and say hi to the people I like more often. Hi, people.

: (

2006-03-25T09:53:34Z

nooooo. I knew she'd say no.
She promised me a week off after the assistant manager came back. A week off to see my cousin!!! That's all I've been planning for the past...I don't know...3 months...DOI. Meanwhile she just got back from her 10 day vacation. She took that time off and said I could do the same considering I've been full time closing for the past 9 weeks.

Boss: Oh, and Pan...about that time you wanted off...
Moi: yeah???
Boss: I'm going to be in Edmonton with my daughter over the weekend, so you'll have to leave monday rather than thursday.
Moi: But...I'm going down with my aunt and uncle.....they're driving me...I have no way of getting down there...
Boss: Oh I didn't know that, I thought you were taking the plane and could reschedule....*laughing* don't blame me, blame my daughter...that's too bad.
Moi: *face burning red*.....that's fine...

YEAH. ;o; fine. REAL SMOOTH, SELF! AGH. I'm sick of this. I can't do this anymore. It's not MY pizza store, I don't want to run it and do HER paper work at 12 a.m. with drunks banging on the window anymore.
I'm fucking SCARED and I tell her this on the phone, and she LAUGHS and says "don't you lock the door?" Yeah because that's stopped people from breaking in those other 2 times it happened since I started working..........just kidding, it didn't. Nobody is supposed to be alone in that store at night, but we'll bend that rule for me. -____-

I haven't asked for a day off in all my time working here, in nine friggin' months. Sure I can have a week off....at HER leisure. ooooh....this sucks so much. I'm all choked up...wtf did I expect?? It's funny because a new girl that just started working here asked for a couple days off on the same days and she gave them to her. Not me though. And the assistant manager is saying the boss needs to stay out completely and let us 2 run it. I don't want to take over her job for 9 measly bucks an hour. I made more at Canadian tire at minimum wage and all I did was stand around for 8 hours. Shit, I got BETTER hours there, here I'm lucky if I can get 7 hour shifts.

I'm sorry Tawnie. I tried. I'm going to come see you...some how...I just have to quit this stupid job.
End rant.

ugh.

2006-01-20T22:29:15Z

My life is going down the tubes. I'm so depressed and just...WAAAH.

And I'm now sick. Fun. And PMSing. Ultra fun.

And the lady I get pocky from speaks in really broken english so I can't seem to make her understand what I want. So far my order is coming to $82. That's INSANE. Just AGH. Oh well.

I want to escape to somewhere exotic where no one knows me and I'm all on my own and Kevin McKidd is there.

I want to hide under my pillow. I have 0 friends at this point except the people online. And I haven't even been online to talk to any of them in like 2 months. I'm a shitty person. Guys don't like me...but apparently you're supposed to ask guys out these days?? I don't know. I need to watch Star Trek Next Gen. That always cools me off.

Closing tonight from 5 p.m. to 12ish a.m. I guess I'll just focus on money and my weight like most other butt heads I know.

I'm cleaning my room. It looks like a WoMD off in it. DUH HYUCK.

fooooop.

2005-12-11T23:45:38Z

I just looove when my mother takes all my stuff, packs it up in boxes, and puts it outside in the humid unheated squirrel/mouse/bird/stray cat infested cabin (especially when a lot of it is electronic) and then goes on to tell me we had a whole conversation where I said it was fine that she do so. Last time she did this, everything was covered in bird shit, cat pee, and unstuffed by the squirrels. So cute.

I don't care if my room is cluttered. I want my stuff. It's my stuff. I'll store it under my bed or in my closet if she doesn't like seeing it.

Last night as I walked out the front door of Panago, I realized I forgot to turn the sign around to "closed". Everything has sucked balls since.

There's actually gotta be something wrong with ME if I'm living at home at 20, with no prospects to speak of. My stuff shouldn't be hidden in a dank cardboard box. It should be out on display in my own apartment.

Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka

2005-11-10T20:24:43Z

mmblargh! Life is bleak! Maybe.

Ah, I'm ok. Just...SHOOT. Why does everything have to be so dang sucky.
This year has just been horrible. Everything changed. Hopefully I'll make it to Dec 30th. Year 20 will be a good one, I can feel it >.>

My mom has told me that, if I want a car, we'll sell the piano. Which will probably get a couple thousand. Then I'll have enough to buy a car. I don't know very much about cars though so I'm going to start looking into it better.

I'm not too choked up about losing the piano. I actually just wanted a keyboard. But yeah...I won't go into that. More dysfunctionalness.

The fan in my computer is farked!! It won't stop buzzing! This is the second time I've put another one in.

Anyway. So...looks possible that I could be moving to Fort St John next summer. There's better money up there, and my sister won't charge me very much for rent. XD My brother-in-law says he doesn't even care if I pay rent, but I insist, 'cause I'm crazy. But yeah, maybe then I'll meet a cool dude, or make some new friends.

I should just throw myself into my arts. It's the only thing that brings me any peace these days. That and pizza making. There's something zen like in tossing dough. *nodnod*

choke. rant.

2005-11-08T22:02:07Z

Every plan I made got fucked up. : [ I can't help but cryyyy. It's just...blargh.

I'm going to become a closer at Panago. That's cool, I'm happy about that. Except now, my mom doesn't WANT me to become a closer. Apparently she didn't think I had it in me to even get THIS far, and she still doesn't think I'll be able to handle myself. And she doesn't want me to be alone at night. Agh. It's just pizza...why can't she believe in me? I feel so stupid.

Supposedly I can't drive worth shit either. I don't want her to teach me...if you're not THE BEST EVAR your first time out, you must suck. So...I suck...I'm sick of disappointing her. I'm sick of not doing things the way she did things when she was my age.

I like splenda. I like primo soup. I like chocolate yogurt cups!! And I'm a joke because of it. Stupid heads.

I want to get out've this town. But I can't. Maybe if I have enough saved up by this spring, I'll be able to get a car. Oy. I don't even know HOW I'll be able to close saturday nights, since I don't have a car, and I can't expect someone to come pick me up at 1 in the morning! Blaaaaah. I'm a disappointment to the whole human race. I can do nothing right.

Fucking dogs.

2005-10-16T22:27:15Z

I hate dogs. But mostly I hate owners.

The only thing worse than walking your little blue healer on a nice autumn morning and then getting attacked by big dumb german shepards, is getting attacked by big dumb german shepards and then hearing 12 year old owners call out "Oooh, it's someone walking their dog! good boy! Yeah, you get 'em!!"

I wish I had a paint ball gun. Or machete.

Atleast it's not like Fort St. John where everyone walks around with their big pit bulls and rotweilers off a leash.

Fuck. I get attacked by practically every dog on this street. There should be a law against people having big ass dogs. I want to slap people sometimes.

panax @ 2005-10-15T13:04:00

2005-10-15T20:50:29Z

*flail*
I'm opening Panago today!!! Sorta. Joy (assistant manager lady) will have everything set up...but then she's going home till 5, so I'll be alone in the store for...1.5 HOURS. And in a pizza making time line, 1.5 hours=1 billion years. O_O hope I don't get too backed up. I'm nervous. It's saturday...I don't know what to expect. *squealdie*

In other news, I'm drawing like a crazy person. But I barely like anything I draw. I'll try to have my site up by Halloween. Ugh, it's so hard to be original.

Quickly approaching 140 lbs. FUDGE!!! I want to be skinny!! Stupid womanly curves. Why is it so hard to get below 130? I can maintain 135-140 no sweat, but I always end up doing bad-for-you things to maintain anything below that. I hate it,I always get borderline obsessive. I should just throw the scales in the garbage. >___<

Batman Begins, Land of the Dead, and Jiminy Glick in LaLaWood come out next tuesday! Rented some movies last night when I got off work, since I couldn't call for a ride, since the phone was busy (Darn that Uncle Billiam!)
I rented Kingdom of Heaven....twas boring. Orlando is a femme. At the end he's all "I'm not a knight, I'm a black smith" and I'm all "no ...he's a pirate" but my family didn't understand what the hell I was talking about. I also rented Undead which is an Aussie zombie movie....hope it's good, it's supposed to be funny, and I've been waiting for forever for it to come out here.

I keep missing Firefly on space channel. Weird, because I NEVER miss an episode of Rome. That is the best show on t.v. Probably because of all the penii. More shows should have big wangs. That way I would NEVER miss an episode of Firefly.

It was so awesome last week when *SPOILER* Vorenus crafted a raft out've dead bodies to escape the island they were ship wrecked on. The guy that played Vorenus was in Kingdom of Heaven last night, and he got ship wrecked in basically the same way as on Rome, but he died. I was hoping they would make a raft out've dead bodies...or rope some sea turtles together....WITH HUMAN HAIR FROM ME BACK. Again no one knew what I meant.

Anyway...best get ready for worky poo.

panax @ 2005-09-26T08:20:00

2005-09-26T15:43:18Z

meep. what a weekend. x.x I love and hate being this busy. I mean, it's always awesome to be busy AND make money while you're at it. But I've got so little time these days.

Sorry Danni, I didn't mean to blow you off : \ my dad wouldn't drive me back in once I was finished yesterday afternoon. I have no clue when we'll be able to get together, I've got stuff to do every night this week. So yeah, don't count on any plans with me, fore I suck ass and wreck people's plans!!

X3 aaagggh I'm such an unreliable friend. I've had many people testify to that lately. I felt terrible when Angela called me on it. AND after I admitted it, I promised her I'd be around more, which never happened! I should just...STOP promising stuff. I don't follow through, and I don't want to irritate people with my erratic schedule and inconsiderateness anymore.

My dad's friend Brian (Brain as I call him XD mwa he's a computer wiz) wants me to walk his kid home from kindergarten a couple days a week. I'm really starting to fall in love with kids o_o not in a psycho Japanese-lolicon-Michael Jackson sort've way though. They're just so much more fun than adults! Anyway, that'll be fun. The school's not too far away, and they don't live too far away FROM the school, but it's by the highway, and that's not fun to walk down when you're little. Atleast it gets me out've the house after sitting since 7 am doing school work. But yeah, one more thing to do.

Atleast I'm working on my arts/website. I lump that in with my school work, since my eventual website and cafepress store will be serving me in my Entrepreneurship 12 course >w>

But yeah. that's about it.

fuck.

2005-09-24T22:05:31Z

My brother has been obese since...forever.

I got him into working out. He's starting to see results.

He doesn't know what to do with his life...he's making money logging, but that doesn't give him many opportunities to expand his horizons.

So. Now that he's getting in shape and unknowing of what to do with his life...He's now thinking of joining the army.
fuckfuckfuck. No. Not my brother. Agh. Not that I don't like the military...just...gurgle. I always envisioned him going to college, and moving to Europe to study...viking bones or something. Or black smithing like he pretends he's so interested in. Not going to Afghanistan to be a mindless robot.

I dunno. Maybe it makes sense? He needs people to tell him what to do. He can't really look after himself. He loves nazis...he loves commies. And he loves all things military.

I probably saw it coming. I shouldn't even care. It's his life. I'm so angry though. So disappointed. Mostly with myself. I feel like...I helped him see that he doesn't have to be a fat slob...and now that he sees that, he's running away to do what he probably always wanted to do...not what I envisioned him as. Selfish bitch. : [

Maybe I just hate soldiers now. *sigh* I really need to move on. This has been the most difficult year of my entire life.

In happier news...got my internet back up and running on my computer. Now I can finally upload things, and play WoW and Guild Wars again.
Tonight I'm going to watch horror movies with DanniLynn. But tomorrow at around 11 am I'm supposed to go out to the bush with the guys. I guess they want me to clean up their camp. That'll be fun. My dad'll bring me back on monday. THEN I can play video games XD

well. better get ready for work.

narf X3

2005-09-16T22:01:59Z

I DIDN'T DIE!!!

I'm still alive. Some what. Undead.
I've had so little time to think/feel. Been juggling two jobs. And in my spare time I'm usually running errands for the family. Ie, when I got off work last night my brother informs me I have to clean out his camp shack, since they'll be moving it to a new job. I've been cleaning since 6 am x.x;;; cleaning up after smelly men isn't how I like spending the first sunny weather that coincides with my free time in months. Now I have just enough time to get ready, go shopping, and get to Panago at 4:20.

It's not all bad news. Now all will be well! I quit Canadian Tire so I could finish my school work. And...work on my site and arts! I'm thinking I'll stay on at Panago though. I enjoy the fast pace, and making pizzas is never a bad thing XD Plus the people there are nice to work with. I'd like to work up to maybe doing closing shifts but...I don't know if I'm good enough? ...I'd gladly do it a couple nights a week...but it takes a lot. The manager's been humming and hawing about it for a few weeks now. We'll see I guess. I'm not holding my breath, I don't expect anything. Once I'm done with high school, and learnt how to balance my days a bit better, I'll probably get another part time job again and work them both.

I just really need to be focussing on my art. And I can't stop thinking about Sam. I miss him like hell...selfish prick. You'd think I'd be over it by now? Sigh. Suzanne went to college...she said she'd stay in touch but she hasn't phoned or emailed in 2 weeks. Everyone is busy, myself included. I feel so out've place.

Eep! Happier posts to come! I promise!